दिल हैं शीशे का और दुनिया पत्थर की

Emotions, emotions and emotions. I think this is one of critical things what differentiates human beings from machines. Human beings are far more powerful than machines, but it is emotions that makes it inferior to machines.

What give rise to emotions? I think it is the need to engage with other people. The need to be liked by other people. The neeed to have somebody to share your life with. It is the existence of these relationships that creates a desire among human beings to live. After all "man is a social animal"

There are two kinds of relationships - a) blood relations, b) the friends you make.

Blood relations are something that are forced on you. We dont decide who are parents are, who our siblings are etc. So blood relations are those you can never get away with. They will exist throughout our life whether we like it or not.

Friendship is the most precious gift to human kind. The reason is simple - we get to choose our own friends. Lucky are those people who get to have a number of close friends - friends with whom they can share both your joy and sorrow. Friendship is always mutual, it can never be forced. So there might be a lot of cases where you consider somebody as a very very close friend but the other side. Do you know what happens in such case ? You care for him/her, you cry when he/she cries, you smile when he/she smiles. But these feelings are sometimes not reciprocated. The outcome - it sometimes leave you heartbroken.

During my childhood, I was always scared of making friends, of making any relationships. I was scared of getting close to people because I always had the fear that if I get close to somebody, it might hurt me later. So in my school, I never made close friends.

As time passed, I started believing in relationships. I think family reunion had a major role to play in it. I started to believe that relationships is the most precious gift to human beings. And I should not keep myself away from it just because of the fear of emotional strings attached to it.

But I have never been successful in making very close friends. Somebody with whom I can share whatever I want, somebody on whose shoulder I can lay my head and cry. I find it so funny - whoever i have tried to get close to has always hurt me the most. May be there is a problem with the way I approach friendship. May be because I agree to whatever they say, they start taking me for granted.

Is it bad to care about somebody? Is it bad to worry about somebody? If it is not then why does the person who calls you at midnight to share his/her sorrow informs me of fun activity and moments of happiness in his life at last. It hurts and it hurts a lot - because I care for you, because I feel for you, because your happiness is more important to me than my own. Irrespective of what you feel about me, I care for you and I will do everything I can to ensure that you always have that cute smile on your face. I cant see tears in your eyes, and when you do cry, I also cry and cry more than you do. When you are hurt, I feel the pain. When you are happy, I am the happiest person in the world. I hope someday you will realise it.

I feel like going back to be my old self. Somebody who made friends but never used to get emotionally attached to them. After all, what if the point of getting emotionally attached to somebody when you know that it is going to hurt a lot in future.

People say that we need to pay for our past sins. I did hurt the feelings of some people in the past. And it has always come back to haunt me. Thanks for hurting me. I think I deserve it! Don't ask why.

एक छोटी सी लव स्टोरी

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I always loved her, but I never had the courage to say that to her. May be because I always felt that we were so different or may be because I feared rejection.
It has been 10 years since I have met her. 10 years since I ever enquired about her. I know as much about her as I knew 10 years back. Reason - I wanted to forget her, as thinking about her always used to hurt me. I never married. Reason - there was an unexpressed love in me for her which I never wanted to share with anybody else.
Today I am going to meet her again after 10 long years. It does not seem to be so long since I have met her. May be because every night my subconscious mind used to think about her. Or may be because in this fast paced world, I never realised that 10 years have passed since I graduated from my college and had last met her.
Tomorrow is our 10 year college reunion and I will meet her again at the same place where I had last met her. The thought of meeting her again excites me. The thought of seeing her again thrills me. But there is a fear as well. Will we be able to speak as freely as we used to speak 10 years back. Will she recognise me. I kept thinking about this the whole night on my flight from London to Ahmedabad. And then i heard the announcement - "Jet Airways flight 1046 is about to land in Ahmedabad". I looked outside the window. Everything looked the same as it was 10 years back.
And then I saw her. What a coincidence... Her flight from some another part of the world had landed in Ahmedabad at the same time as my flight. She was waiting for her baggage and I was waiting for mine. Should I go and speak to her? Or should I speak to her only once I reach the college campus. I decided to go and say hello to her. Then I saw that her baggage has arrived and she walked towards the exit with a guy walking next to him. I guess he was her husband. I stopped myself and kept waiting for my baggage to arrive. I kept looking at her and after a few minutes I saw her sit in a car and disappear...

A new begining - A new job

Friday, 12th September, 2008 - The employees at Lehman including me were very tensed. Everybody knew that the weekend will decide the fate of our company and our future. We knew that on Monday, when we come in the office, things will not be the same anymore. But nobody expected what followed next. The actual outcome was worse that what any of the employees would have expected.

Monday,15th September, 2008 - It was all over. Fed decided not to rescue Lehman and we filed for bankruptcy. The employees were shattered and everything seemed to surreal. We were in a state of shock. Employees held themselves together, exchanged their contact details and we were not sure when the administrators will throw us out of the Lehman building. So we all were asked to collect all our personal belongings. Thankfully, we were not thrown out of the building, but asked to keep coming to office.

The weeks thereafter - Everyday each of the employees were supposed to be in office. It was a painful experience, because we were in office doing nothing. And on the other side, we were also working on our resume and applying elsewhere for jobs. I was worried because I had been in London just for a year and did not have enough contacts to help me get a job. I left my fate in the hands of god and decided to do the best I can from my side. And then some reassuring words came from my boss - "Don't worry, we will work out something for you. You will move along with us, wherever we go".

After 2-3 weeks of uncertainity, we were informed that Nomura has decided to acquire Lehman Brother's European equities. Everybody in equities took a sigh of relief though they were worried about the fate of their friends in fixed income. And then people started waiting for the contract from Nomura. Finally, the contracts arrived and most of the people were happy with the contract and they decided to accept it.

I was not happy. Two reasons - a) Accepting the Nomura contract meant continuing the same role which I was not very keen on; b) I was looking for a change - I wanted to start afresh. By grace of god and my boss, an opportunity came my way and I decided to accept it. My boss was disappointed because while most of other team members accepted the Nomura offer, I decided to pursue other opportunity. I tried to expain the rationale behind my decision, but my boss was not convinced. I wanted to maintain the excellent relationship with my boss but that did not happen. My decision to leave and the events thereafter left a bitter taste in everybody's mouth. I am still trying to forget the incident, because life must move on.

I joined my new company, Credit Suisse on 27th October, 2008. It has been 3 weeks now and I am liking the new job. The work culture is different from Lehman but I like it. I like my team. The team has very high expectations from me and I hope I will live to their expectations. A new chapter is being written in my life and I want this chapter to be one of the most eventful chapter in my career history. I will leave no stone unturned to make this happen.

I wish myself all the best!!

Can we change our destiny?

It is often said that "once the destiny has been decided it cannot be changed". The direction of our life is not decided by us but by our destiny.

Let me give you a real life example. I had an examination scheduled at 2:00 pm. Mere ghar se it takes about an hour to reach the venue. So, to be on safe side I left home at 12 noon so that I reach the examination venue an hour before the examination. It was my first of the 8 examinations and so I did not wanted to be late. The examination venue was City College in Amherst Street, Kolkata. I stayed at Khardah in Kolkata, so I had to take a local train from Khardah to Sealdah which takes 35 mins, and then a 10 mins walk.

I reach the train station at 12:10 pm. I wait for train for half an hour, and then there is an announcement that the train is not expected before another half an hour. Saale kamine, thoda jaldi announce nahin kar sakte the kya. I decided to take a cab to the exam venue. Since it was summer afternnon, it took me ten minutes to find a cab. I got into the cab and was relieved thinking that I will reach on time. I checked my wallet. I realised that I forgot to put in money and I was only carrying Rs.70. I was doubtful, if that will be enough to pay for the cab. But I thought, I wont say anything to cab driver. I will deal with it when I reach the examination venue and have to pay for the cab. After we have travelled half the journey, car ka tyre puncture ho gaya. I looked around and could not see another cab. Then I was able to see a cab standing about 200 mts away. I ran and got into the cab.

There are 2-3 City Colleges in Kolkata. I was not sure which one it was and the cab driver took me to the wrong one. When I realised it, I asked the cab driver to take me to the one at Amherst Street. The cab driver stopped 200 mts before the college and said that the road ahead was one way, so I have to get down here. I made the payment to cab driver. I was left with Rs.5 after making the payment. Thank God!

I finally reached the examination venue at 2:20 pm. The inviligator asked me to take special permission before I am allowed to sit for examination. I went to head inviilgator, explained him the reason for being late and was allowed to appear for examination. I finally started writing the examination at 2:30 pm.

What was my destiny - to be late for the examination or to fail in the examination? I thought about it and then said to myself that may be I dont have enough time to write the examination but that does not mean that I cannot clear the examination.

Me being late for the examination was my destiny but me writing the examination and giving my best was my karma. Destiny changed the circumstances, that made me change my strategy. But ultimately "karma" won and I cleared the examination. The examination I am referring to is my Company Secretaryship intermediate examination.

So, yes we cannot change our destiny but that does not mean that we stop putting our "karma". If we keep on putting our best efforts, we will eventually achieve success, though it might sometimes take more time and effort to reap the benefits. But as I keep saying, life is boring unless we have to faces challenges. Zindagi ka mazaa inhi challeneges aur adventures mein hi toh hain. If we get everything without efforts, there will be no spice in life.

Am I doing justice to my existence?

Most of the people are going to find this post boring, because it is an introspection in whatever I have done till now. When I look back, I try to find an answer to following two questions:

a) Are the decisions that I have taken in my life my own or are they a result of the societal pressure?

b) Am I justifying my own existence?

Unfortunately, I have pondered over these questions a lot but never found an answer (or I never wanted to find an answer to them). So everytime when such questions come into my mind, I get myself involved into other activities so that I stop pondering about these questions.

I always like to believe that all the decisions I have taken in life are my own. But unfortunately, when I think deeper I realise that my decisions were influenced by the society and very often changed to meet societal norms. I dont think that I decided to do MBA because I had love for MBA degree, but because I wanted to prove to my relatives and my friends that I am not intellectually inferior to others and that I have the capability to get into IIMs. I came to IIM for learning, but when I saw that grades at IIMA are not necessarily positively correlated to your learning, I decided to do things that helped me get good grades but never necessarily helped my learning. I became a part of the system and let it mould me as it wanted me to. May be because I never had the courage to change the system or question it.

I have a goal. A goal to make a difference to the world. But when I look at what I am doing right now, I don't think I am anywhere close to it. Society thinks I am happy, because I earn a decent sum of money, I can enjoy all materialistic pleasures of life and am financially secure.

But does my existence or non-existence make any difference to anybody. Probably no. When I leave this world, will I be remembered for anything I have done. Probably no.

Will I continue to live such existence? Hopefully not. Someday, I will decide to get out for such a miserable existence and do something to contribute positively to the world and probably self-satisfaction.

When friendship becomes love... jaane tu yaa jaane naa

There is a dialogue in the movie "Kuch Kuch Hota hain" which says "Pyar dosti hai. Agar woh meri sabse acchi dost ban sakti ,to main pyar kar hi nahi sakta".

And then I read this theory called "The Ladder Theory"which tries to explain how men and women get attaracted to each other. According to this theory, a woman has not one but two ladders - friends ladder and real ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". As per this theory, if you are placed in the friends ladder, it is difficult and almost suicidal to try to jump to the real ladder.

People keep on talking about "love at first sight" but personally I don't believe in it. It is not "love" but "attraction" at first sight. And this attraction forces you to try to get closer to the person and know more about him/her. And depending on the level of compatibility, shayad you decide whether you really like the person or not. Whether the relationship takes the form of friendship or love is a matter of anybody's guess.

There is a very thin line between friendship and love. Sometimes, it is very difficult to decide if you want the relationship to be just friendship or something more than that. And if this dilemma is on both the sides then there is still some hope. But if the other side is clear about his feelings and if this is different from what you feel, then you are in deep trouble. It might spell the end of the relationship. I have come across only a few level-headed people who can handle such situation and continue with their friendship.

The Hindi movie dialogues I liked the most

Kuch Kuch Hota Hain:
“Pyar kya hai?
Pyar dosti hai. Agar woh meri sabse acchi dost nahin ban sakti ,to main pyar kar hi nahi sakta..”

Pyaar Toh Hona Hi Tha:
"Yeh pyaar bhi badi ajeeb cheez hain Sanjana, jahan ikrar ki poori umeed hoti hain wahan bhi dil kehne se darta hain... aur mujhe toh inkar ka poora yakeen hain"

Sarkar Raj:
“Jaan Lena Jurm hai, Sahi samay par jaan lena RAJNITI Hai.”

"Jab hum Zindagi apni Shart par jeete hain to usski keemat chukaani padti hai.”

Damini:
"Yeh dhai kilo ka haath jab kisi pe padta hai toh who uththa nahi uth jaata hai"

Tum Bin:
"Main janta hoo aapko sahare ki jaroorat nahi, main toh sirf saath dene aaya hoo"

Main Khiladi Tu Anari:
"Tumhare filmon mein bahut saare take hote hain, ek take nahin to doosra sahi, lekin zindagi ke is khel mein humein sirf ek take milta hai aur us take mein galti hui, to zindagi maut ke saamne ghutne tek deti hai!!"

Om Shanti Om:
“kabhi kabhi poori duniya ki chahat zaruri nahi hoti, pyaar kisi ek se mile to bhi kaafi hota hai!!”

"Itni shidaat se main tumhe paane ki koshish ki hai,hi har zaare ne mujhe tumse milane ki saazish ki hai.
Kehte hain ki ...... Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaaho to puri kayanat usey tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai"